The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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