Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
do herpes really smell.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
