So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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