The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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