Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She bit a glass in half.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
