I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
