who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
