i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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