Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize