Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
