I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
