I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
