I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
