brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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