I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
