ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
