did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
