if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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