just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
