david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
