They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
