I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had to cum in my sink.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
