Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
