Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
