and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
