NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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