just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
