I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
