I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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