I hate your face
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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