so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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