I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
