DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
