i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
