He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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