I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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