I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
