so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
