just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
