Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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