I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm passing your future prison.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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