I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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