Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
