I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
