Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I forgot how hot balto sounded
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize