They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
