You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize