I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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