Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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