Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
