Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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