Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
