I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
