So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
