I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
