last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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