my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
