You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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