Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just had sex on a roof
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
