You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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