Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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