I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
