Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
