My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
