you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
